just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
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in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
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There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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