Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
