did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
