for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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