Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
