I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
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and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
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You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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