6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
