take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
