Can i not drive my cunt home
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
