help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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