do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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