yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
