So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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