You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i think i just lost a toe
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
