Your face is a jimmy john
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
