I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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