I accidentally had phone sex last night
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
