I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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