I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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