Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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