and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
