dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
