i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I am available for nakedness
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
