Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
