evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
