shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I got inside last night via doggy door
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
