Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
