he shaved USA in his pubs
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
