mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
