I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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