I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
