She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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