The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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