I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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