She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
