It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
