my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
