I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
