just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
