He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
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Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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