You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
