just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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