you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
