I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
