Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.