im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards