i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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