Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i need some magic done to my vagina
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?