You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Girls should come with a carfax report
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme