She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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