so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
