Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Randomize
