I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
