Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
