hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
