stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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