This is not my ceiling
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
