get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Mom said you looked used
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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